My "Magical" Year

For some time, I've been feeling oddly unsettled. Anxious. Like something is going to happen. I'm expecting something to happen. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

The other day, the reason hit me like a ton of bricks: It's my magical year. 

I am 44. My mother died when she was 44. To know that when she was my age, this was it for her has thrown me for a loop.

When she was my age, there were no more chapters. No more adventures. No more lessons to learn. She had two young daughters, one who was the same age as my sweet girls (9). There would be no guidance, support, laughter, giggles, mother-daughter fights, love, travels, shared books. There would be nothing.

She was just getting to know my sister and me as people. We were all getting to the fun part. Then, all of a sudden, it just ended.  

I don't want it to end for me. I want to keep going and going. There's so much to do and see and discover. Alone, with my girls, with my husband and with my family. 

I can't imagine it just being over. Life. No more. 

Will I feel this burden until my birthday in April? This heaviness in my stomach? This uneasiness in my bones? Darkness in my heart? 

I can't help but wonder ... will I make it? 

Staying Whole in a World of Distractions

I recently read Gift From the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Charles Lindbergh's wife and one of the first female aviators. 

Written more than 50 years ago, Anne's insights into life, especially a woman's life, hold so true today. Like this one:

"The problem is: how to remain whole in the midst of the distractions of life;how to remain balanced no matter what centrifugal forces tend to pull one off center; how to remain strong, no matter what shocks come in at the periphery and tend to crack the hub of the wheel."

How I long for simplicity many days. Fewer distractions. More peace. Quiet calm. The strength to command that peace. 

Anne wrote her book while secluded in a beach cottage. The longer she stayed, the more distractions fell away. And, she found she really didn't need to many "things" to live well. Sounds heavenly. It makes me wonder how I would fare in a similar situation. What things do I really need? 

for the longest time, I've been walking around with this odd searching feeling. Inside, I feel like I'm searching for something. Always looking here and there. Everywhere. But for what? What am I looking for? Everything I need is here with me. Am I wanting something more? Something different? Not stuff and things. But more of something unnameable and elusive. How I wish to feel settled inside just once. 

I'm sure that doesn't make much sense. I guess every once in a while, I want to feel whole in a world of too many distractions. 

Does anyone get it? 

Thanks for reading ... Wherever you are, whatever you're doing ... Keep It Real.

P.S. I learned about Gift From the Sea by reading The Aviator's Wife. I highly recommend both!

My Three Words for 2016 & a Theme

In 2015, I decided not to make resolutions. Instead, I skipped along behind a newer bandwagon and carefully selected three words and a theme to focus my year. You can read all about that here. I think I did OK trying to live by those words.

So, I'm at it again. This year, I'm going for: 1) Family 2) Friends 3) Peace. Any my theme? Self-esteem

FAMILY. I want to focus on appreciating who I have. I feel crazy blessed and fortunate to have our little family, and they need to know it Beyond my immediate family, I've finally realized that sometimes the definition of "family" needs to change. Maybe it expands to let unexpected people in; maybe it contracts to let other people out. I'll be working on that this year, too.

FRIENDS. I spent quite a bit of time lately thinking about family and friends and how people in those two groups treat me. I am blessed to have friends in my life who support me, love me and like me because of who I am, not in spite it. I want to continue building and strengthening those bonds because many days they are stronger than my family bonds (with the exception of the sweet peeps and Mark, of course).

PEACE. I've been angry for a really long time about things I can't control or that don't matter. I anger easily, and I hate it. I am in control, and I'm done. I'm tired. I'm looking forward to a year of letting go and living better. 

That leads us to my theme: Self-esteem (I made a little rhyme!). My self-esteem used to be sky high, but somewhere along the way, I lost my footing This year, I'm determined to put myself back on the high road by focusing on my positive traits and unraveling the negative tapes in my head. 

What are your three words? Your theme? Will you share? 

Thanks for reading! Wherever you are, whatever you're doing ... Keep It Real!

A Book on the Brink of Censorship? Or: The Inappropriate Book I Read to the Peeps this Christmas

One of things the peeps and I do together that I absolutely love is read. In the past few months, we've read several books from the Percy Jackson & the Olympians series by Rick Riordan and Serafina by Robert Beatty (a great Halloween read). I read aloud, and they snuggle with me or draw (more and more they choose to draw. Sad face.)

For the holidays, we read The Best Christmas Pageant Ever by Barbara Robinson together. I reread this story for the first time in ages a couple of years ago and posted about it then. You can read that post here.

I decided to read it again this year, this time with the peeps, because of an article I saw on Facebook written by a teacher who said he stopped reading the book to his students because it talked about kids smoking cigars, lighting fires, bullying other children among other frowned upon behaviors. The teacher was concerned he would draw the ire of parents. The article made me so sad that I promptly pulled it out of our stash of Christmas-related books and gathered the peeps on the ol' king-sized bed..

They loved it! They giggled and belly laughed at the Herdman's antics, and couldn't believe the kids could get away with all the naughty things they did. Despite my reading the book and making it sound just absolutely delicious, I don't think my sweet angels will start smoking cigarettes, become young arsonists or bully others. (Or will they?) They took the book at face value: a bunch of silly fun with a subliminal story about Jesus (and a little lesson about the The Christmas Story never hurt anyone.) 

(Yes, this post comes a little past the holidays. I intended to post it a few days ago and do a New Year's post today. Technical issues, a New Year's Eve slumber party and an afternoon of Star Wars with my three favorite people meant a new entry would have to wait.)

Wherever you are, whatever you're doing ... Keep It Real.