Sending Kids to School: Fingers Crossed. Hoping for the Best.

Source: flickr.com

Earlier this week, 21 people were shot and killed at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, TX. Nineteen of them were children between 10 and 11 years old. I've struggled this week, with emotions, fear and anxiety. I scribbled the thoughts below on a piece of notebook paper the day after, watching the ink smear as I sobbed, the first hard cry I've had in months. They are raw, sad, angry rambling thoughts that I needed to get out of my brain and out of my heart as I tried to process what has happened. The "them" referenced are my two 15-year-old daughters. This is the first day I felt I could share my heart here.

And just we're clear, I don't advocate taking anyone's guns away. That sort of talk is just stupid. But I think we can find some common-sense laws that can reduce instances like this. 

Uvalde, TX

Hard to talk to them, to tell them to be vigilant and kind to everyone, hoping that will help them be spared from messed up kids because they were nice. I try to reassure them, but in the same breath, I have to tell them it's a new way of life. It breaks my heart they have to know about it and live with the fear of being killed at school. At the end of the day, the best we can do is cross our fingers, tell them we love them and pray and hope they come home with only the scars of a normal life of a high school girl. 

It was easier to reassure them they were safe when they were younger. Now that they're older, they know just as well as I do that is the luck of the draw. They are sitting ducks. There is nothing they can do if someone wants to shoot up the school except get lucky. You tell them you know it's scary but that we cannot live in fear. 

And our politicians aren't doing anything - won't do anything to protect them because they love their power, their money, their connections and their jobs more than the lives of people who mean nothing to them. They won't even pretend to try to find a solution. At the same time, there are too many people in this country who vote with their gun rights and keep these people in office.

I'm crying at my laptop now. I have to do it when they're not home so they can't see how scared and sad and heartbroken I am.

There is too much pain in this world right now. I can't control it. I can't fix it. I feel so helpless. I haven't cried in forever. Tears pouring and I have a meeting in 24 minutes. 

Sending love, thoughts, hope, prayers, hugs and donations is meaningless. Posting messages on social media that vilify the shooter and shame politicians are worthless, useless.

So, we'll continue living with our fingers crossed, hoping for the best every time we walk out our front door. This is Real Reality